She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
