If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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