if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
