is your mom at the bar?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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