Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
