so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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