Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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