She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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