um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize