Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
