I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
