Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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