PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
