I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
