I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
