if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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