You're so nebulous sometimes
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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