im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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