I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
