What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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