haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
