i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he was CRYING into my vagina
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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