no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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