Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
