where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
