i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
