My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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