god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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