I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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