The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize