I cannot find my penis.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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