Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
