I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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