You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
