i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
