dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
