Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
