1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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