People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
