She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Who died my cat blue again?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
