sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
