I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
