my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
