i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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