xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
