I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
