Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
