i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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