dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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