I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Enjoy the penises
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
