We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
