We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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