i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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