he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
