woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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