Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
