I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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